I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Randomize
