I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
Randomize
