I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
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