It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
So vagazzling was a success
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
