And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
