I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize