i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
