I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
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