you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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