having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Randomize