So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
In other news, I just burned my penis
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
