I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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