Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
