No awkward lesbian experiences without me
well I can't set my house on fire every night
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Randomize
