I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
