In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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