I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
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