I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Randomize
