My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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