did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
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