Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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