I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Randomize
