Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
