don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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