Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
