Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
