You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
