She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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