we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Randomize
