i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
