I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
