after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
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