Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
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