I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Randomize
