Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
