There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
