I think im going to throw up on grandma
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Randomize