I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Randomize
