I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize
