I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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