Apparently you make a good broom.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
