You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize