Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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