I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
He shit in the fireplace
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
