Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
