i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
