I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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