this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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