First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
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