He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
When did angry sex become our thing?
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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