I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
