Plan B is the new Plan A
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
