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• (631): View more from New York

  meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.

  (516): View more from New York

  wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!

  (631): View more from New York

  aww shit wrong text.

  Fav 8 1882 1122

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• (706): View more from Georgia

  oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.

  Fav 5 1039 3070

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• (509): View more from Washington

  Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.

  Fav 17 1168 6342

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• (250): View more from British Columbia

  He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...

  Fav 15 6104 1797

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• (802): View more from Vermont

  It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices

  Fav 4 2190 1252

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• (540): View more from Virginia

  Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself

  Fav 3 1492 904

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• (772): View more from Florida

  She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.

  Fav 6 772 1881

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• (619): View more from California

  I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.

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• (646): View more from New York

  His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.

  Fav 2 488 760

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• (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  Everyone says I win the strip club

  Fav 1 637 433

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• (443): View more from Maryland

  I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?

  (703): View more from Virginia

  Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.

  Fav 0 535 253

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• (812): View more from Indiana

  I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.

  Fav 2 191 237

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• (850): View more from Florida

  With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something

  Fav 2 227 311

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• (417): View more from Missouri

  STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.

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• (357): View more from

  Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing

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