oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
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