I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Drunk is a universal language darling
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
