Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
