i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Randomize