Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
