dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
