I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Randomize
