dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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