I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
