1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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