So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
