im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
