I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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