A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
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